Best Friends

I can’t remember. I don’t want to remember. Fifteen years, has it been that long? I can still feel her sometimes. Curled up on the bed. Talking. Her breath on my neck, my ear. Not that she meant to. Not that she felt the same way. Best friends. She’s in love with her best friend. They know everything about you. You share your life, your dreams, your aspirations. In the end, we all fall in love with our best friends. Does she believe me when I say she’s wrong?

“Dr. Mensonge?”

“I’m sorry, dear, what was that?” Don’t let her into your head. Don’t allow your thoughts to stray. Save her.

“I was just asking if you knew of the film A Florida Enchantment?”

She has certainly done her research. She thinks this is alright. Make her see. Scare her. “Yes I have dear, and may I say it is a blatant attack on modern American values as we know them.” I’m going to hell.

“Why would you say that, Dr. Mensonge? It’s just two men dancing.”

“Just two men dancing? There are multiple references to transexuality and homosexuality. What’s next, interracial marriage and reproduction?” People are people. Love is love. That’s what makes the world, keeps it unique. I’m halting ingenuity and genius. Stopping inspiration. Ending love. Ending the world.

“Someday, Dr. Mensonge, the world will be a much more accepting place. I’m brave. I’ll make them see. I’ll make everyone see.”

Oh god, so naïve, so young, so right. What do I do? What can I do? Tell her about me? No, this is not about me. Show her my journal? My work? My pain? “The world is far too big for you to change, Emma. You’re a child. You’re a female. Add gay to the list and you’re a target for the unjust.”

“Then let the unjust come. I will not conceal who I am to protect myself. I’d rather hurt myself. That is hurting myself.”

How do I lie? Tell her she’s wrong? She’s wiser than everyone. She’s stronger than I am. Maybe she can make it. Maybe she can help. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe she’ll fail. She’s wrong. She’ll fail. “You will be hurt.”

“I don’t care.”

“Emma, they will fabricate a charge and send you to prison. If you don’t want to go to prison, they will make you check into a psychiatric care facility on a “voluntary” basis until you are “cured” of your homosexuality. Electroshock therapy. Oh god, the pain. Do you understand what I am telling you, Emma?”

“You’re telling me to lie?”

I’m telling you to live.

Aversion Therapy

“Treatments of Homosexuality Since the 1950s—An Oral History: The Experience of Patients

Treatments:

The most common treatment (from the early 1960s to early 1970s) was behavioral aversion therapy with electric shocks. Nausea was induced by apomorphine as the aversive stimulus was reported less often.

In electric shock aversion therapy, electrodes were attached to the wrist or lower leg and shocks were administered while the patient watched photographs of men and women in various stages of undress. The aim was to encourage avoidance of the shock by moving to photographs of the opposite sex. It was hoped that arousal to same sex photographs would reduce, while relief arising from shock avoidance would increase, interest in opposite sex images.”