Happy Endings

To whom it may concern,

When I was a child, I was a memory keeper. I saved everything—newspaper clippings, letters from friends and family, old birthday cards, song lyrics I had written, quotes of my angst, lyrics that moved me, advertisements, lists, names, myself, everything. I believed that if I wrote everything down, cut it out, glued it, saved it, it would never be lost. People can be lost. Moments can be lost. Memories can last for a lifetime. Forever.

I knew I was gay for a long time. Not since birth like some people claim, but for a few years, at least since I was a freshman in high school. I remember wondering if I should come out to my parents. I remember not wanting to, coming out to my best friends instead. They encouraged me. They told me to be strong. They continued to love me.

When I came out to my parents they handled it in a slightly different way. They encouraged me. They told me to be strong. They continued to love me. They told me never to tell a single soul on my father’s side of the family. “You’re going to face some obstacles there, Jessica,” they told me. “They won’t accept you. They’re staunch in their ways.” “But I’m their niece,” I claimed. “Their cousin, their friend.” My parents’ response: “Belief is thicker than blood.”

I locked myself in my room that night. I felt loved and betrayed. Ecstatic and discouraged. Liberated and tightly bonded. Strong yet incredibly weak as well. In the end I do what I always do in moments of distress, moments where I wonder if life is worth the struggle, if happy endings ever do exist. I played a song.  I played a song and I tucked it away as any memory keeper would. These are the lyrics, my thoughts and my troubles. These are the lines of my hopes and desires. It represents my inner struggles, my need for acceptance, my longing for companionship and understanding.

These lyrics, tucked in this letter, will be saved for me to look back on. For those moments when I wonder if life is worth the struggle, for we know it always is, and when we wonder if happy endings ever do exist, for we know they do. My struggle may be great, but I will reach my happy ending. Dignity, honesty, and integrity intact.

“Iris”

By Goo Goo Dolls:

(chorus)

And I don’t want the world to see me,

‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand.

When everything’s made to be broken,

I just want you to know who I am.

Sincerely,

Jessica Brousseau

Project Proposal: Expressing Identity Confusion and the Apprehension of its Disclosure

Part I:

1.) What specific experience will you undertake the task of, and take responsibility for, expressing? What is the concrete historical context?

I believe I want to express the experience of confusion and apprehension that accompanies a child while “coming out”—publically expressing their sexual preference—to those around them (friends, parents, family, and strangers).

A. Historically, I want this expression to take place in the late twentieth to early twenty-first century. An era in which homosexuality is widely accepted, although still highly debated. (Vermont’s 1999 same-sex benefits, Hawaii’s ruling against same-sex marriage in 1999, Canada’s same-sex benefits Supreme Court ruling in 1999, Quebec and Ontario recognition of same-sex marriages in 2002-03, Mass. Gay-Marriage legalization in 2003. According to A Decade of Violence: Hate Crimes Based on Sexual Orientation, 13,798 reported hate related incidents have occurred based on sexual orientation in the US from 1993-1998). I would also like this expression to take place in a Southern state where “old South” traditionalism would antagonize the situation.

B. This expression will explore the realm of identity discovery, and the controversial issue of sexuality. This issue can be tied to various other degrees in the “matrix” of  life, including religion as well as family dynamics.

2.) “Explanation” or “account” of this experience from a conventional view? What is the dominant understanding?

In the very recent era, there have been several key events that can add an understanding of this experience. Although homosexuality is now more widely accepted than in the past, the reversal of several key Supreme Court decisions giving gay rights widespread validity has brought the issue to the forefront of the media and the lives of homosexual/confused/experimenting individuals within the US, primarily those of a young age striving to understand their identity themselves. It is the dominant understanding in modern society that homosexuality is not a “violent” issue, however, it causes vast emotional struggles between said individuals and those around them.

Source: Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, Homosexuality, http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/homosexuality/

3.) Personal resonance for you in the present?

Being a homosexual female in the modern era who disclosed her sexual preference to her parents a mere two years ago, I feel I have an extremely strong sense of familiarity with this subject. My own personal struggles with family, friends, and the public in general  in regards to my lifestyle will be instrumental in constructing the expression of the experience of my imagined protagonist. Because this topic is so controversial and there is no “correct” or even “usual” response across the public, it allows for great creativity as well.

4.) One cultural narrative or image that is prominent in your memory?

One of the most disturbing depictions of homosexual hatred and identity confusion I have ever seen was in the form of Boys Don’t Cry (1999), a movie starred in by Hilary Swank and directed by Kimberly Pierce that expresses the experience of Brandon Teena, a transgendered teen who was brutally raped and murdered by two “friends” upon their discovery of his lifestyle choice.

I viewed this film approximately a year after I came out to my parents, a phase in which I was very interested in exploring my lifestyle choice on a broader level. Although I obviously encountered nowhere near the amount of resistance depicted in this account, it made me realize how blessed I was for the support of those around me, and instilled in me a sense of empathy for those who cannot be open with themselves because of those around them, as well as a need to help those individuals.

5.) One “forgotten” (overlooked, neglected) aspect or element?

This topic has been so greatly explored in modern popular culture (literature, cinema, etc), that I believe almost all aspects of the issue have been depicted in one way or another. I’m sure this answer will come to me upon further thought.

6.) One lesson (abstract) and one technique (specific) from one of our relay novels, that you will implement?

I believe one of the most useful lessons I will implement in regards to the expression of my proposed experience can be witnessed in Silko’s “Ceremony”, allowing us as readers to understand that cultural background (belief, religion, family) is an instrumental and influential feature in the manner in which we shape and grade our actions.

Perhaps I will use intertwining literature from various sources while expressing this experience to bolster the emotions felt and understood by my protagonist. (song lyrics, poems, literary quotes, etc.)

7.) A potential interface? A potential figure? (expressively)

I believe a cultural interface would be most useful when constructing my expression. Perhaps my figure will be musically or literarily inclined (such as myself), and I will be permitted to use allusions and citations from a myriad number of sources to reinforce the experience.

Part II:

“Pain. I seem to have an affection, a kind of sweettooth for it. Bolts of lightning, little rivulets of thunder. And I the eye of the storm.” (Jazz, Toni Morrison)

“And I don’t want the world to see me, ‘cause I don’t think that they’d understand. When everything’s made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.” (Iris, Goo Goo Dolls)

This song quote expresses the feeling of hopelessness felt by someone who believes he/she is not understood by those around them. It also expresses a sense of desire for identity, “soulful”, personal understanding by one person around them, the “you” in reference.